To the Sky She Goes

Note to readers: If you are tired of reading about my grief for losing Yuki, feel free to leave. I just need to do this, really. Writing it helps me accept, no matter how hard, that she's really gone... I promise I'll soon be back on track. Thanks.

It's been a week already since Yuki left her earthly body. She flew up, up, up until she melted into the vast sky, joined the group of cumulus clouds that is white as her fur. Since that day, there was never a time that she's out of my mind. Memories of her are painted in all the corners of our humble home. I see her in our bedroom, ever so jolly and jumpy, seeking for attention. I see her in the living room, wedged between the two sofa; her favorite place since she was a puppy. She's in the kitchen, under the table, sleeping soundly and probably dreaming. She's in the bathroom, dodging the water whenever I bathe her. She runs around the front yard, plays with Tonton (my niece's dog) and digs the ground with her super paws. She's even in the farm, running free, like it's the happiest thing to do. She's everywhere, in every corner, in every place I go.

Her favorite spot in the living room.

I remember the day when I first saw her; barking, jumping, rolling in her cage; that one precious moment when I felt happy. Yuki helped me pick my shattered pieces. She was (still is) my little bundle of joy, my ray of sunshine when the clouds threaten to cover me in complete darkness. Now, she's not in my world anymore...

Sometimes I wonder, why do we bother fixing our broken heart only to find it being broken by another, all over again? 

Everyday, I still find myself looking for her, waiting for her to bark and wake us all up. I still call her name before I go to work. Before, I used to say, "Bye Yuki, bantayan mo yung bahay natin ha." And when I arrive home, after a long, tiring day, I used to pick her up and play with her fur. Now, there's no more happy face to look forward to upon coming home... Just a cold grave, where she sleeps, in my mom's garden. :'c

First visit to the vet. They were 3months old here.

There are times that I feel responsible for her death. I should have brought her earlier to the vet. I should have paid attention when she looked sad a few days before I actually bring her for a check up. I shouldn't have waited for her condition to get worse. :'c I now feel like I am such a terrible dog parent. :'c

"IT'S FOR THE BEST. But no matter how many times I repeat it, the strange, hollow feeling in my stomach doesn't go away. And ridiculous as it is, I can't shake the persistent, needling feeling that I've forgotten something, or missed something, or LOST something FOREVER."  ---excerpt from the book: Delirium by Lauren Oliver.

I miss her so much... Other people might think that I am being so dramatic, but, honestly, I am just writing what I feel. When Yuki passed away, part of me died too. Only those who'd been to the same situation would understand.

I always play in my head the last time I held her in my arms. January 12, 2013. I was so hesitant to put her back in her cage and leave her but I had no other choice. She had to stay with the vet. Before I leave that day, the vet talked to Yuki:

Vet: Yuki, uuwi na daw kayo oh. Di ka ba sasama? 

 And Yuki just looked at me with her sad eyes. It was so heartbreaking. She didn't even wiggle her tail... All I could do was be strong and believe that she'll be fine. However, the next morning, she already flew to heaven. She didn't even wait for me to visit her again. Sabe ko pa naman, "babalik nalang ako bukas ha?" :'c

Everyone in the house misses Yuki. As I've said before, she is a family member. She is the "bunso" of the family. Now, everybody has to fill-in the time, which we used to spend with her, with other things---or with anything that could ease our longing.

Someday, or one day, I hope that I would be able to heal. Yuki will never be forgotten. I don't want to forget, actually. That is not the answer to my sadness. But I am at least hoping for the pain to subside. I am praying too that she is happy, wherever she is. And in the foreseeable future, I hope that I would be able to love another dog again...

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